Basically I'm looking for something like
SELECT ordinal(my_number) FROM my_table
which would return
1st
11th
1071st
...
etc
but preferrably without the use of a stored procedure
I don't know of a built-in function but it's pretty easy to write:
SELECT
CONCAT(my_number, CASE
WHEN my_number%100 BETWEEN 11 AND 13 THEN "th"
WHEN my_number%10 = 1 THEN "st"
WHEN my_number%10 = 2 THEN "nd"
WHEN my_number%10 = 3 THEN "rd"
ELSE "th"
END)
FROM my_table;