I can't get Docker installed on Debian 8 Jessie

I'm trying to get Docker installed on a machine with Debian 8 (Jessie), but I always seem to run into errors no matter what I try.

Using these instructions: https://docs.docker.com/install/linux/docker-ce/debian

Checking the kernal:

uname -r
3.16.0-4-686-pae

The fateful moment:

sudo apt-get install docker-ce

Setting up docker-ce (18.06.1~ce~3-0~debian) …
Installing new version of config file /etc/bash_completion.d/docker …
Job for docker.service failed. See ‘systemctl status docker.service’ and ‘journalctl -xn’ for details.
invoke-rc.d: initscript docker, action “start” failed.
dpkg: error processing package docker-ce (–configure):
subprocess installed post-installation script returned error exit status 1
Processing triggers for libc-bin (2.19-18+deb8u10) …
Errors were encountered while processing:
docker-ce
E: Sub-process /usr/bin/dpkg returned an error code (1)

I also tried installing directly from a package: https://download.docker.com/linux/debian/dists/jessie/pool/stable/amd64/ (Selecting version 17.03.2)

And after installing the dependencies, things still don't work:

sudo dpkg --install  docker-ce_17.03.2_ce-0_debian-jessie_amd64.deb

(Reading database ... 169325 files and directories currently installed.)
Preparing to unpack docker-ce_17.03.2_ce-0_debian-jessie_amd64.deb ...
Unpacking docker-ce (17.03.2~ce-0~debian-jessie) over (17.03.2~ce-0~debian-jessie) ...
Setting up docker-ce (17.03.2~ce-0~debian-jessie) ...
Job for docker.service failed. See 'systemctl status docker.service' and 'journalctl -xn' for details.
invoke-rc.d: initscript docker, action "start" failed.
dpkg: error processing package docker-ce (--install):
 subprocess installed post-installation script returned error exit status 1
Processing triggers for man-db (2.7.0.2-5) ...
Processing triggers for systemd (215-17+deb8u7) ...
Errors were encountered while processing:
 docker-ce

I also looked at this article: http://www.boynux.com/docker-jessie/ But I didn't even get past the first step:

curl https://get.docker.com | sh

Either your platform is not easily detectable or is not supported by this
installer script.
Please visit the following URL for more detailed installation instructions:

https://docs.docker.com/engine/installation/

Between every one of these attempts I did a

sudo apt-get remove docker docker-engine docker.io docker-ce
sudo apt-get update

docker-ce isn't available for i686

see OS requirements

Docker CE is supported on both x86_64 (or amd64) and armhf architectures for Jessie and Stretch.