Unable to connect to WiFi with a Wemos S2 Mini clone?

I bought this Wemos S2 Mini three-pack from Amazon last week and I've been pulling my hair out trying to get them to connect to WiFi. I have the Ardiuno IDE 1.8.19 set to a LOLIN S2 Mini from Espressif 2.0.3 as directed, with Arduino WiFi 1.2.7, and am running this code:

#include <WiFi.h>

void setup() {
  WiFi.mode(WIFI_STA);
  WiFi.begin("ssid", "psk");
  while (WiFi.status() != WL_CONNECTED) {
    delay(1000);
    Serial.print(".");
  }
  Serial.println("Connected to WiFi network with IP Address:");
  Serial.println(WiFi.localIP());
}

void loop() {
  //
}

All I get is endless ........ in the Serial Monitor. I've tried:

• running the esp32 WiFi Scan samples and all I get is "no networks found"
• attempting to rename my router's ssid to something without a space
• connecting to my phone's hotspot
• flashing all three boards
• choosing other random ESP32-S2 dev boards in the Boards Manager
• several different USB-C to USB-C and USB-C to USB-A cables into my computer

No dice. Bad hardware? What am I missing?

Purchased an actual LOLIN S2 Mini from AliExpress, ran the same code, worked immediately. Don't buy these shitty knockoffs from Amazon.